[*Trigger Warning* Before continuing, please note, this post contains some emotional content which can be a potential trigger]
Some of you may have come across Christine Miserandino’s Spoon Theory before (If you haven’t, you NEED to go check it out; it’s quite a life changing theory. Here you go -> The Spoon Theory)
I’ve been doing my best to learn how to live with my “spoons”; how my “spoon” supply works; how it varies; the possibilities & limits. I actually think it takes a spoon or two just to work out how my spoon supply is looking for the day ahead to be honest! But I try.
I’m very much all-or-nothing (a BPD trait); I exercise a lot or not at all, I either starve myself or I binge eat, I idealize or devalue others; “I love you” turns into “I hate you” (And I’m not just saying it, I actually feel that way). I am overly excited or really low; or both at the same time actually. I take on too much or nothing. I party too hard or not at all. I’m “always” or “never”; for me there is no in-between. You get where I’m going with this; all-or-nothing, black-and-white thinking. I’m a big fan of bright colours, it’s quite ironic that I only think in black-and-white; there are no shades of grey or any other colour with me.
Over the last couple of weeks, I have been doing too much. I went through a few weeks of high energy, and decided that I can do everything again; “get my life back”. Even though last time this happened I ended up having a big bad breakdown, I just don’t seem to learn. I know how it goes, but I don’t have much control or know how to manage it fully yet. So the vicious cycle goes on; I’m either deep in my black hole and sinking or I’m really fucking high and restless. Sometimes both in the same hour. I’m sure many of you have experienced that type of day…
As a result, over the last couple of weeks I have booked too many appointments, I went out too much, I saw too many different people, I talked too much, I stayed out too long, I was on social media a lot, I ate too much, I drank when I shouldn’t have, I exercised too much, I overdid it; I pushed my body & mind over the edge and it all came crashing down on me. Proof that I still haven’t mastered the management of my “spoons”.
The exhaustion, the emotional pain, the tears, the feeling of just being so drained that I couldn’t even wash myself or brush my teeth, the urge to self-harm, the craving for alcohol; the urge to take or do anything that would numb the pain & desperation, the disturbed sleep, the suicidal ideation; it all hit me very early last week. Motherfucking shit.
A week on, and I am still struggling. I look back at everything I managed to do when I was “high” and it really feels like this whole other person took over my body; the woman I was two weeks ago cannot be the woman that is writing this now. It really is like I split into two very different human beings. This week I’m the angry, tired, depressed, sad one. It’s like I’m grieving; everything hurts, every little thing that happens causes me emotional & mental pain, so much so that eventually I start to feel the physical pain. But two weeks ago or maybe even tomorrow, I was and may be the extremely high, manic and impulsive one. Actually both women are quite impulsive.
So today, all I was able to do was nothing but lay in my pyjamas, watch ‘Stranger Things’ and analyse these past few weeks, the two ‘Hazy Daisies’, what they did differently, what happened?! The same old thought keeps popping up; “where did I go wrong?” And it seems so obvious now; I don’t know balance. I need to learn balance. But not the balance that other humans live by, I need to learn my balance; to figure out how to use my “spoons” effectively, with respect for myself and consideration for the fact that I am unwell at the moment. Really fucking unwell, and I need time to give myself enough time to figure all this out. To learn and grow into myself. Time is so important. I know this but still I let my brain trick me into thinking that I’m fine and I can do it all like I used to. When will I learn that that’s not the case?!
My lovely therapist said something to me this week which made such an impact, I have ended up repeating it to myself daily, and I really want to share it with you. She told me:”It won’t always be this way”. “It won’t always be this way”. With that I have started to realise that one day I will know myself well enough to have boundaries, to fully live by my values, to know & manage my symptoms well, to immerse myself fully into a life I love. One day I will have balance, I just need to be patient and give it time…and a lot of fucking hard work! So from me to you, lovelies; IT WON’T ALWAYS BE THIS WAY! Give yourself time, ignore the unhelpful things that others are telling you, do your best to ignore what the mean voices in your head are telling you; they are fucking liars! That’s the thing with mental illness; it tricks you into believing its’ lies. Take your time to get to know you, your values, what you are going through and your “spoons”. We’ve got this. We’re warriors and one day at a time; we’ll get better and better at winning this fight.
“Sometimes we truly begin to find ourselves when we are so broken & weak…and in that moment a sparkle ignites and we dig down & find the strength to stand strong and fight on” ~ Kim Bayne
Sending you hugs, positive vibes, good energy, love and a high five. From a fellow Spoonie.
xXx
This is Mental 