Monthly Reflections

New month, new beginnings…

So, looking back over August and forwards to September. I am…

Abuse?

[*Trigger Warning* Before continuing, please note, this post contains some emotional content as well as discussions of self-harm and suicide attempt which can be a potential trigger]

I think this might be quite a raw post. I’m not sure how else to describe it, but I am experiencing intense emotions right now, I’m having suicidal ideation and my mean voices are having a party in my head saying things like: “haha we told you you’re a burden, you imbecile”, “you’re such a waste of space, what is the point of you? You’re a vegetable, you do nothing, you’re worth nothing, you take up too much space in other people’s lives, in your house, in the world. Too much. You need to shrink yourself down to nothing, so that others may be happy and free from your burden.” That is actually what my mean male voice is saying right now. I’m struggling to write this as he is getting louder and louder, and the louder he gets, the more I get my words mumbled; the more spelling mistakes I make. But I am set on getting this down in black & white. The waves are coming in and I’m still learning how to surf, but I am going to write this, I’m going to do it. You are not going to stop me this time. I’ve had enough.

Mental Superheroes

I love the X-Men…

…The Avengers, Captain America, Suicide Squad…you can see where I’m going with this, I basically just love all comic book movies.

As most of you know, I have been living with anxiety, depression, paranoia, psychotic experiences and borderline personality disorder for a while now. A few months ago I set myself a challenge, which was to go to my local cinema to watch the new X-Men movie, on my own.

I have been struggling to even walk out of my front door alone for a long time and so was very surprised and extremely proud when I did it, I actually did it; I went to the cinema and watched X-Men: Apocalypse on my own. Ah! And in my brightly coloured yoga pants rather than something big, grey & baggy that I could hide in (I’m so cool).

Help is Here!

[*Trigger Warning* Before continuing, please note, this post contains some emotional content which can be a potential trigger]

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I recently re-read a blog post I wrote a few months ago where I praise my NHS psychotherapists (This post here -> Ice Ice Baby), and it’s helped me realise how much I have changed over the last few months. This is mainly because I have finally found a therapist that I like and that is genuinely helping me (Hallelujah!). Whilst reading this old blog post it really hit me that I no longer think the world of my NHS psychotherapists; yes they are good at what they do; they do have the necessary understanding & skill to help me, but they don’t have enough time to help me if I’m honest. I finished my NHS group therapy in April and I am yet to start any sort of therapy with the same team, I have been left alone.

Monthly Reflections

New month, new beginnings…

First of all I need to thank Laura Jane Williams (superlatively rude) and Jackie Wolven (A Goal Check in and Monthly Reflection Questions) for inspiring me to do my own monthly reflections. I have found this to be an amazing, useful & positive activity. It helps me take note of my little & big victories, and see that actually, I’m doing okay; not as much of a fuck up as I think I am after all.

So, looking back over July and forwards to August. I am…

Learning to live with my “Spoons”

[*Trigger Warning* Before continuing, please note, this post contains some emotional content which can be a potential trigger]

Some of you may have come across Christine Miserandino’s Spoon Theory before (If you haven’t, you NEED to go check it out; it’s quite a life changing theory. Here you go -> The Spoon Theory)

I’ve been doing my best to learn how to live with my “spoons”; how my “spoon” supply works; how it varies; the possibilities & limits. I actually think it takes a spoon or two just to work out how my spoon supply is looking for the day ahead to be honest! But I try.

I’m very much all-or-nothing (a BPD trait); I exercise a lot or not at all, I either starve myself or I binge eat, I idealize or devalue others; “I love you” turns into “I hate you” (And I’m not just saying it, I actually feel that way). I am overly excited or really low; or both at the same time actually. I take on too much or nothing. I party too hard or not at all. I’m “always” or “never”; for me there is no in-between. You get where I’m going with this; all-or-nothing, black-and-white thinking. I’m a big fan of bright colours, it’s quite ironic that I only think in black-and-white; there are no shades of grey or any other colour with me.

Advice To My 18-Year-Old Self

[*Trigger Warning* Before continuing, please note, this post contains some emotional content and discussion of self-harm behaviour which can be a potential trigger]

I really want to share some news.

Are you ready for this?!

Drumroll…

Oh NHS. Why Must You Treat Me So Bad?!

[*Trigger Warning* Before continuing, please note, this post contains some emotional content and discussion of suicidal ideation and self-harm behaviour which can be a potential trigger]

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I’m Just Going to be Honest

[*Trigger Warning* Before continuing, please note, this post contains some emotional content and discussion of suicidal ideation and self-harm behaviour which can be a potential trigger]

I’m having a shit few weeks.

Hence why I haven’t posted in a while.

Don’t Judge My Scars

[*Trigger Warning* Before continuing, please note, this post contains some emotional content and discussion of self-harm behaviour which can be a potential trigger]

I went to the pharmacy with my mum yesterday, to collect my medication, and there it was, one of the biggest triggers for me at the moment…The razors and blades section. Walking away from it empty handed is one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do.